break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize