why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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