I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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