I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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