4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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