And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She needs sedatives and a leash
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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