i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
