I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
