I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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