I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I faked an abortion last night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
