a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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