dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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