Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
