i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
