the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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