i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
