I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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