I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
