I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
