I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
