Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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