He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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