I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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