rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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