Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you didnt know i had herpes?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
