I seem to have left my pride at pride
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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