I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
