i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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