Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
