I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize