when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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