I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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