Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
