my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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