I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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