Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
