hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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