remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
