so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
