i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
