She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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