im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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