I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Pants are for mortals
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