Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
