and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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