OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
