I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
