It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
