Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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