I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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