Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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