I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
