nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
