I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
