Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
