i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
