Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
